priestessaura

This is Beautiful pass this on!

2007-06-06T04:16:34Z

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Women have strengths that amaze me!

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They carry children,
they carry hardships,
they carry burdens,
yet they hold faith, happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They volunteer for good causes.

They are pink ladies in hospitals,
they bring food to shut ins.

They are senators, educators, childcare workers, executives, attorneys, truck drivers, pilots, stay at home moms and your neighbors.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up against injustice.

They write to the "powers that be" for things that make for a better life.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They can wipe a tear, cover a cut and pat you on the back at the same time.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They tell people that need to be told to straighten up their act.

They lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a voice to make suggestions.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They can round up energy, even when they are tired.

They can stay up a little longer to talk to someone that needs a friend.

Women do more than give birth.

They bring peace and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

They weep with joy when their children excel, and cheer when loved ones get awards.

Women want people to grow into the best person they can be.

They want to touch you in a way that will make you share your goodness with others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair ...

True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes

because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

GODDESS BLESS YOU ALL!

a thought came to me

2007-05-19T13:50:04Z

Your past is your past... who you were and what you did, has brought you to who you are now... you cannot let the past control you, but to let go of the bad things and know you are a better person for going through those lessons... what you think today is what you become tomorrow!

Some thoughts......

2007-05-03T03:40:40Z

Well where do I start?

At the Vast concert, on April 7th, I met a guy named Jalen, and made out with him in my car. He was the 1st person I let myself be intimate with in a long time... Chad is/and always will be there, but its not like we will be married or anything. and Chad and I have been together in a friendship/ with bennies for about 2 years now.
Well that started a cascading effect of people coming into my life, on a more intimate basis.
The Weekend after the Vast concert I went to see my friend Zanny and his band play at a local bar. I met Tony there....and had a wonderful night with him :) That was on April 14th. ( more details on Tony at a later date, we are meeting up again on May 12th)
On April 19th I went to a drum jam and met back up with an old friend Nathan.... The 1st time I met him 2 years ago, there was chemistry there but I was in the middle of my divorce and wasnt paying attention to the signs in front of me.
When I saw him again things stirred in me. When he walked up to me and said, "hey mama" something in me moved, its indescribeable.
That night we sang and danced and had a wonderful time. When it was time for my children and I to leave, I went to go give him a hug..... The energy we exchanged was so warm, so loving, and intense, neither of us wanted to let go.

Well since that day we have spent alot of time together, and I have enjoyed every minute that I have with him, my heart floods with love for him, when we hold hands my heart races, passion fills me. Its like Nathan woke me up from a slumber, that I didnt even realize i was in.
He is also leaving in 7 days. I have mixed feelings about this, but its mostly joy for him. He is going to work at a healing center for 6 months in NY, I know this will be a wonderful experience for him. I know I will miss him alot, but this is life and what I wrote a long time ago about what my friend Shaun wrote..... "Who are you missing?" dated October 21st in my journal here... it gave me hope again, I know some people are on our paths for only a short time and others for a lifetime. The universe has plans for us and reasons why things happen the way they do, sometimes we just need to let go and let things happen the way they need to, sometimes you just don't know the reasons at that time, but when you look back it all makes sense, the progression of all the events from that one certain day.
I know Love again, Thank you Nathan for coming into my life when I really needed it :)

I finally found this again.... (Thanks to the Internet!!!)

2007-04-03T22:16:49Z

ITHAKA

When setting out upon your way to Ithaca,
wish always that your course be long,
full of adventure, full of lore.
Of the Laestrygones and of the Cyclopes,
of an irate Poseidon never be afraid;
such things along your way you will not find,
if lofty is your thinking, if fine sentiment
in spirit and in body touches you.
Neither Laestrygones nor Cyclopes,
nor wild Poseidon will you ever meet,
unless you bear them in your soul,
unless your soul has raised them up in front of you.

Wish always that your course be long;
that many there be of summer morns
when with such pleasure, such great joy,
you enter ports now for the first time seen;
that you may stop at some Phoenician marts,
to purchase there the best of wares,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber, ebony,
hedonic perfumes of all sorts--
as many such hedonic perfumes as you can;
that you may go to various Egyptian towns
to learn, and learn from those schooled there.

Your mind should ever be on Ithaca.
Your reaching there is your prime goal.
But do not rush your journey anywise.
Better that it should last for many years,
and that, now old, you moor at Ithaca at last,
a man enriched by all you gained upon the way,
and not expecting Ithaca to give you further wealth.

For Ithaca has given you the lovely trip.
Without her you would not have set your course.
There is no more that she can give.

If Ithaca seems then too lean, you have not been deceived.
As wise as you are now become, of such experience,
you will have understood what Ithaca stands for.

Constantine P. Cavafy

12 years already.....................

2007-03-21T13:41:03Z

Where does the time go?

It seems like just yesterday sometimes that it was my wedding day, and 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant with my first child... She will be 12 this year. I am in really good spirits today, Life does go on... after the pain subsides you can see the "silver lining again". Now the 28th it will be my 2 year Divorce Anniversary... I think I am going to have a drink or 2 to celebrate that.... WOW 2 years have gone by. Almost in a blink of an eye.
It's wierd when you are in pain from a relationship gone bad and healing it seems like time just stands still. In the last 2 years I have grieved my marriage, and all the things I have lost... I have also celebrated my freedom from Oppression and also felt lost in translation lol. I have also found myself.. I have wonderful friends in my life that help me see my strengths (thank you all for being there for me!)
I was just thinking about this... You have not really LIVED unless you have reached the heights of BLISS and the DEPTHS of Hell.... To learn compassion its the only way, knowing pain, so when someone needs the understanding of someone, you can be there and KNOW their pain. I know I am on this planet to help others, I have had painfull lessons to learn from, and anyone that knows me well,knows that sometimes I beat my head up against a wall while going through the lessons, But its my way.... in the end I learn the lesson, if I do not, then it will get repeated over and over until I do. I see this with alot of people. But the lessons that come to us are to make us stronger... to give color to our lives. I know when you are in pain, it doesnt feel like that, but when you look back at your life and what you have made it through, you can see the colors that have come into your life and how it affects your daily life from that moment on.

Life goes on...as time goes on..

In chipper Spirits :)

2007-03-21T13:11:33Z

It is my 12th wedding anniversary today and I am in good spirits anyways... I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world LOL. I am listening to some old music this morning and this is one of my Favorites :)

Duran Duran

"Land"

Baby, I'm really sorry
To break your dream
When it's so early
Headlights
On the windowpane
They're getting lost
In the light of day

Tomorrow is today
And soon my ship will sail

Away from here
To walk a howling sealane
Stay for me
Your love is life
For love is land

Baby, just hear my story
Before I leave
Before we write the end
Standing, across the ocean stream
I'll need to know
I'll need your country then

Tomorrow and today
You keep my landfall safe

Away from here (away from here)
To walk a howling sealane (away from you)
Stay for me (stay for me)
I need your love to land
Away from here (away from here)
To walk a howling sealane (away from you)
Stay for me (stay for me)
Your love is life, for love is land

Away from here (away from here)
To walk a howling sealane (away from you)
Stay for me (stay for me)
I need your love to land
Away from here (away from here)
To walk a howling sealane (away from you)
Stay for me (stay for me)
Your love is life, for love is land

Love is land
Love is land
Love is land

Happy St Patrick's Day :)

2007-03-18T04:32:56Z

Well its St Pat's day and it seems like everyone in town is getting drunk but me LOL. I just watched this Movie called "The Holiday" it was a pretty good chick flick, I dont usually watch them, unless I am in a certain mood. Its about Love, all variations of Love but really touched base on unrequited love. I have had my share on that subject. I guess i am still whiping away the tears from the movie on how touching it was, or maybe its my hormones LOL. But I can finally cry again. When I was on the cymbalta it was a sense of false happiness. I couldnt cry at all. It really bothered me, because things were going on that i needed to let go of, to cry it out and I just couldnt. instead it was an Oh well. Now I know sometimes that is a good thing to be "oh well" but other things that need to let go and cry for a short time, It made me feel lost not having a release.

I guess I am at a point now where I am starting over again, starting a fresh, finding hope again.... walking out of my shell, and working out my fears. Fears only make things worse.
I just miss being loved really loved by someone, or is it that i have just not experienced real love for a long period of time? That is a question I am asking myself now.

Loops what about Loops?

2007-03-08T18:49:15Z

Well I have caught myself In a loop. It's called the fear/guilt/pain loop.

I cant stand when i get into this headspace.... I am frustrated because I am feeling guilty that I am not working... (well atleast enough). I am at the same time feeling pain, and going out and looking for a job is causing fear because I do not want my back to hurt again like it did in December, and yesterday was a rough day painwise.... I think I felt guilty because I was leaving Kirstin because besides for some of the job...(vacuuming in particular, I couldn't do.) I could handle. I need a full time job and I am scared in a way of more pain... so I am in a loop.... I talked to my teacher friend today... and as the voice in my head told me earlier today... Just chill and breathe... Dont worry today! Accept my life as it is right now. Just be ok with what is going on and NOT freak out! I need to let go of all the guilt in my life, its holding me back! I am also angry at all the people that conditioned me this way... I am also angry with myself for letting myself be conditoned and letting it control my life for so long. So here is an analogy.... my fear and guilt are causing my physical pain right now. Controling me still. I need to let go of the guilt, I don't need negative emotions fucking up my life.

I can relate to this song right now..................

2007-03-08T18:33:56Z

DURAN DURAN LYRICS

"Cracks In The Pavement"

I shed my skin
When the party was about to begin
I'm light years away but I'm walking back tonight
Of all nights
When I should be feeling just right
Don't want to be in public
My head is full of chopstick
I don't like it

[CHORUS]
Something on my mind
Breaking open doors I had sealed up before
Something on my mind
Makes me run when I thought I'd run too far

Somebody shaking my tree
Maybe that somebody is me
I'm standing in the light but
I'm making a break for the shadows
On the cinema wall
They should be mine but I'm not that tall
Now I'm saying this in privaate
If I had a car I'd drive it
Insane

[CHORUS]

I'm looking for cracks in the pavement

wtf?

2007-03-08T15:17:10Z

I am sitting here feeling anxious and wondering what am I to do now?

I am now down to 9 hours a week with work, I have been looking for another job, but none seem to fit me. Maybe it is because I am scared, maybe I am burnt out from nursing. I keep looking for nursing Jobs, but none of the hours fit to my sced with the kids...I caught myself in the "runaway" thoughts again... maybe if I moved to Georgia, or Minneapolis...rent the house, the kids can stay with dad, catch the bus to school. That gets me NOWHERE!
I am frustrated, feeling nostalic and feeling like my life is starting to spin out of control again. I am afraid of my back hurting like it did. I know my limits, but at the same time, I always push past them. I keep asking myself, what can I do now? Sometimes I wish I could go back to my old job and pretend that my back doesnt hurt. I find that is the denial part of me, wanting security. I wish things were simple again, instead of so complex.... I am trying to look at it in simple terms, but then I add in the bills...... then i am anxious on how am I going to pay for them all? I am getting myself all twisted up inside right now, and I need to remember to breathe!

Why did we humans ever come up with money? and how it is an important part of life? This is such bullshit!
So much on my mind, I cannot put into words yet.

more poetry......

2007-03-02T21:21:05Z

7-29-05

I see you, but you don't see me.
You are glowing like a candle,
on a cold dark night.

The life that twinkles in your eyes,
Like the stars that shine.
Oh, how I wish you could be mine.

For we have crossed paths
Many times,
many lives have come and gone.
Will we love again in this life?
For there has been too much pain and strife.

You look at me now,
from accross the room,
A lightening bolt strikes us both as
we connect.

Frozen in time
Our eyes locked together,
as we move closer and closer
to one another.

I cannot breathe,
my heart is pounding,
my hands are shaking,
and you are astounding!

For if this is a dream,
I do not dare wake.
If this isn't real
My heart would surely ache.

7-29-05

Floating, Floating,
She has not touched the ground in ages.
For she has been lost.
Searching for herself,
her meaning,
her foundation.

For many have tryed
to help her down,
but only for thier own greed,
and tie her onto them.

She is the mystic, the Muse, the Venus,
all things in one!
But also blind from pain,
she keeps searching for herself
in vain.

If only she could look at herself
past the pain, and see
the beautiful woman she has become,
The Universe and her would become one!

Some of my Poetry :)

2007-03-02T18:19:35Z

2-13-07

Days go by,
I miss you,
Have you thought about me?

Weeks go by,
I miss you,
Do you miss me?

Months go by,
I long to hear from you,
Have you forgotten about me?

2-13-07

A warm summer breeze
caresses your face
as we sit in the tall grass on top of our hill.
I meet your eyes, I see your love.
You reach out and touch my cheek,
That is the moment I have seen --
That is moment I crave.

2-13-07

A gentle breeze carresses my face.
So delicate the touch,
for a moment I thought it was you.
A rush of Love filled my heart
Feeling you surrounding me with love.

I opened my eyes, you were not there,
I long for you my lover,
My body flooded with memories
of the passion, the beauty, the love.

You had given me a beautiful gift,
Were I can close my eyes and be in that moment.
Feel the love, the passion, and life
We had once shared.
I hold this in my heart,
Until it is time,
For us to meet again.

My Dreams

2007-02-28T18:07:45Z

I think it was last week or the week before....

I had a reacuring dream of the same man... The 1st night I dreamt that we had married and we went back to the place he lived and it was a gypsey camp/castle setting there were people everywhere saying hello and congrats to us... but we could not find a place to be alone, every room was taken by groups of people. He also told me his last name was Valklre.

The next night I dreamt of the same man and we were more in a castle setting we were alone and I spent time talking to him... It was like a scene from a past life... the clothing was close to the 1400's style. He had alot of sadness in his eyes.

The 3rd night I dreamt of him we actually made love... it was a beautiful dream... (do I need to say anymore?)

Lets see, let me describe the man.... He is about 6' tall or close... dark hair dark eyes... medium skin tone to light. shortish hair and eyes that are very deep and mysterious... and really cute cheeks.

a few years ago I had a dream about this man.... I was still maried at that time... When I went to sleep that night i was crying and wanted the Universe to show me who the real love i was searching for was... That night I had a dream that this man had come to me and asked me to marry him and gave me a ring... I showed it to my exhusband and he was cool with it... we were outside at a party and everyone was happy.

Half awake ramblings

2007-02-28T15:09:08Z

Somehwere in here i will write my dreams down... I am half awake, alot on my mind and I am trying to sort things out as i wake up. ( I have my coffee in my hand wishing it would wake me up faster)

I guess I am disapointed, I thought when I had the connection with Shannon that my life would start going in that direction... was I blind? What I can see is that he doesnt think he is worthy of Love... or maybe its just me. He told me he desired me wanted to be with me and etc. Then one night we had an intense conversation, and my reaction to what he told me was to tell him that I loved him for who he was, that I fell in love with his soul. After that he said he needed time.... then his energy changed ducked and dived from me. I starting letting go.... he would come back, he would either text message me or a Letter would show up. The last letter i got from him, "Thank you for your thoughtfullness, you are a wonderful person with a heart full of love and respect, you deserve a good fella".......I knew when his frequency in energy changed that is where it was heading.... It took him 3 months to tell me? I dont understand. I have never connected with someone on such a high level and so pure when we made the hieghts.... was my lesson to see that i could do this? Why does the Universe do these things? Why must we all go through these trials? Why do i feel so alone in my lessons? What is my purpose? Yes I feel lost again... I am in transition again... I am looking for another job as this one dies down to 8 hours a week. Where am I to go from here? I cannot do what i was doing.... I feel burnt out from Nursing all these past years... from giving of myself to help others when I barely can take care of myself at times.... I just keep going. I have been through so much in the last few months.... and over the last decade hasn't been much better. There are things that I really want, but I am not ready for.... I see this... but when will I be ready? How many more lessons must I endure to make it to the point where my life is on a more even keel and I can be in a happy spot? What about LOVE? What about having someone to share the time with? I miss having a companion to share a cup of coffee with and share the day, or a sunset with. I am fed up with being "stuck" in a spot where I feel stagnant, but everything I do I feel like I treading water. I KNOW there is more to LIFE than this... I know, I have experienced it before, the beauty, the happiness, the LOVE, of waking up in the morning and knowing it will be a good day. I have been healing myself for the last 3 years, watching each layer heal and move onto the next. Was I so damaged by my past that it has taken this long to heal?

I know I am learning more compassion, I need to turn my negative feelings around and see what I can be positive about what has happened and go on from there. I know its the loneliness inside me that is screaming for comfort, I see it this way... how can i be with someone if i cannot comfort myself and get thru the day... Loneliness is NOT a reason to find someone to be with... I will NOT get involved in another relationship Until I am ready and for the right reasons. Yes I have needs, but friends can help with that. I guess i just don't like going around blind... I keep moving forward in my life, but part of me is blind and I want to make sure I am going in the right direction before I charge into something with complete abandon, Like I have done in my past.

Its been a while since I wrote.

2007-02-28T04:43:12Z

I have been super busy with my wierd work sced and such, I havent had much time to sit and write. Lets see where to start. Right now I have a new client that i am with on tuesdays that is dying of a brain tumor. I feel sad for him, he is a very kind person and I can see him lost when i meet eyes with him. He is my dad's age and it just kinda hits home.

I make him cookies when i go to his place... gives me something to do and makes him happy :)
I have my last day of work for Scott (who was my main client for the last 4 years until dec) is tomorrow. He has been really quiet the last few times i have been there, it might just be that time of the day, but I also think he is trying to work thru his feelings of me leaving again. We had become really close and now I am leaving his life again.
Friday was supposed to be my last day with Kirstin... she is a cool older lady that has alot of problems, and she really doesnt want me to leave either. But today she called and cancled the shift tomorrow, so i dont train in the new girl until next wednesday.... so if i dont get the job I applied for last week I really need to get my ass out there and find something.
Atleast my late shifts are done tomorrow... I will be home in the afternoons now :)
OK.... onto other things..............................

Shannon, well the last letter i got from him he told me a deserved a decent fella... I felt him slipping away and now i know its for real. I know I had some lessons to learn and Shannon will always be in my heart, but its time to just keep walking.... I was hoping there was hope, but that is just how things are when you dont really know what is going on.

onto good news.... I met someone knew... I am not ready to talk about him yet, but he is really cool and makes me laugh... and he is into astrology and other cool things.
I need to write about my dreams I will try to remember to write them down tomorrow.... some quite interesting ones as of late.
Also I saw a Doe and a Buck when i was leaving work tonight.... they both looked at me and i felt a connection for a second with them it was pretty cool :)

Ramblings from me.

2007-02-11T04:48:51Z

I am on my painpills again... I have found that every NSAID that i have tryed I am allergic to, so I am taking my hard pain pills... Talking to the doctor on tuesday again, to see what else I can do for pain.

I am going around in circles in my head again. I went to see my ex's parents last night and visited with them today. I had talked to them about the restraining order and what has been going on from my point of View. I talked to them about if i should drop it because of the problems i am having with the visitation. His dad said NO, he is not ready for that yet, he is still blaming you for alot of things and if you did this, your fears of things going back to the way they were is a good possiblity.
I am frustrated, lonely and feeling nostalgic... and feeling guilty about some things that have happened in my past. They had brought up something that has been troubling them, we kinda talked about it, because the kids were right there, I told them i knew i had made a mistake and I hurt alot of people in the process, had looked at what my motivations were in that instance... I did not have my head on straight, I was drinking and i had a really bad judgement call. (I am talking about when I slept with my boss, who was also my ex's good friend and his sister's boyfriend) What a fucking web i had created and I had brought about alot of pain.
I have been looking at my life since then, of the changes I have gone through... Of growing up myself, of finding selfesteem in myself, selfrespect. I guess it still bugs me, the whole thing, sometimes i just want to run away and start out fresh... I tryed to apologize to Beth, but it never really happened face to face. We are speaking somewhat but its only to deal with the kids... I know she hates me and will probably never forgive me.
More than ever right now I feel so fucking lonely, yes I know you lay in the bed you have made for yourself... taking responsibilty for your actions... well out of all of this I have lost a lot of people i thought were my friends....
I am not sure what is going on with Shannon now either.. the time is getting farther and farther bewteen the times i hear from him... I feel him slipping away but i need to just let him go, and its been easier now than it has been in the past. I am sad about this, but he needs his space and I just need to enjoy whatever/ whenever i hear from him.
Also Steve, someone from my past has come back, we finally met on Feb 3rd after almost a year of talking back and forth. He still has a gf and I had just got to thinking about this... If he doesnt deal with his gf before him and i get together... I will be hurting another person. I need to talk to Steve about this, it is important to me, because i dont think she is a poly-minded person.
Chad has been there for me, but he is also, hard to explain I love him, but at the same time its more of a Friends with bennies than anything else.

I feel pretty calm now :)

2007-01-09T23:14:18Z

Well I got another letter from Shannon today :) He has assauged my fears of this being just my input. I understand now what is going on, why I felt the energy shift from him etc. I also understand the lesson I needed to learn. To let go and let things be... for me this has been a really hard thing, but this is an important lesson.
For a long time, I knew i had to become "pure" to be with the one that was my twin soul. Everything I have been going thru and all the lessons i am now passing are preparing me for this.

When things click.

2007-01-08T15:24:15Z

This past week, I have started to see things starting to click into place.

The things I have been annoyed at, because they just didn't feel right, just didnt have any answers to just came to light. Its funny, not in a funny way, Chad now is talking the what if we had a relationship? Shannon is being aloof, and the co-parenting with a restraining order is a pain in the ass.
When I spent New years with Chad i saw another part to him. I love Chad, but i know and he knows this also that we would not be a good couple. For one he is a dom outside the bedroom and a sub in the bedroom... I have found i need a balance in both places. Hey I like dominating for a while in the bedroom, but i get bored, i guess i am used to an exchange of some kind, different than what is going on there. I know him and i will stay good friends no matter where life takes us, so i have no worries about Chad.
Shannon on the other hand...We had a wonderfull couple weeks of talking on an almost daily basis, getting really close and then at Thanksgiving, his energy changed and since then i hear from him maybe every 2 weeks. As deep as my feelings for him are, I cannot take a text message whenever he wants and it seems to me like, just as i start to let go and my energy shifts off of him he gets ahold of me. I am upset because I want/need to communicate things to him and I cannot right now. I sent him some stamps and asked for more (snail mail) letters and I am still waiting on those. I am feeling I am putting more into this than he is, maybe if i see he is actually doing the same and I understand why things are happening, i will let him back in. But for now I am closing him off and letting him do the persuing if i can call it that.
I am at the point right now, where i see i am scattering my energy in too many directions and i need to gather it all in and start moving in a new direction. I need to find a new job, i need to change my life.... I have been thinking about my health alot as of late because of the back problems I started having last month. I knew I needed to change my job, my life and I have been looking for my direction again. I have been looking for that "switch" inside me to turn on, and the things i need to stop, to turn off. (it makes sense to me)
I guess I am really sick of going in directions that are distracting me.... my desires pull me off my path. I really want to be in a loving passionate relationshipwith someone who is also my companion. I have had many "soulmates" but I really want to be with my "twin soul" The one you enhance yourself with ... not complete yourself with... I have found I need to be a complete person for this to happen. I have had many hard lesssons to learn in my life. But as the saying goes... " what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." how true that statement is.
Ok, Co-parenting with a restrainging order.... what a pain in the ass! I am thinking i need to do something about this, and I need to let what the ex's sister says to me roll off my back, she is the type that can push anyones buttons fast. So it doesnt make it any easier. I have been thinking about dropping the restraining order, but at the same time its not a good idea, He needs to learn NOT to fuck with me, I am a person that he has disrespected for wayyy too long and I will not put up with it anymore! I should have never let it happen in the 1st place... I changed things about myself i should not have let go of because of him, and I became weak.... I will NEVER do that to be with someone again. I dont need a partner that bad! ( but I do see how my self esteem was back then, and just wanting to be loved and feeling the Universe putting us together in the way it did, even if it was just for us to have children together)
Ok off to start my day now

I'll fly away!!!!!

2007-01-06T07:47:58Z

OMG i am drunnk and listening to I'll fly away is like so coool!!!! I love this song. I need to see the movie again... OH brother where out thou? OK i am just too fucked up to write LOL... I have a wine and movie night with my good friend from high school.... he went home and i am still at the fun drunk part LOL

How can people be so stupid??????

2007-01-05T00:05:00Z

My daughter broke her foot last night, she is supposed to stay off her foot for the next couple days and use crutches to get around.

I left a message with the ex's sister that Morgan was not going to go to his house this weekend.... He says he still wants her. Ok what this means is if she goes with... he wants to take her to a goodbye party that is about 3/4 a mile on a sandy muddy path and you have to cross a foot bridge that is pretty wobbly... he says he will carry her accross... she is like NO WAY i just want to stay home. Also at his place they have to climb steps like a straight up and down ladder to get into the loft to sleep... he says he will piggy back her up and down ok WTF why cant he just fucking let her heal where she can just stay on one level and has a bathroom right by her? (oh i forgot to mention.. they have a chamber pot to do their business in... so that will be a challenge also cause she has a hard time just using the toilet right now) I also forgot about the steep and slippery walk way he has at his place... he is staying in a boathouse. In the woods on an island on the mississippi river... this is NO place for someone with a broken foot to even try to go.... I am just so pissed right now, that he cant just let her stay home.... so she wrote a note to him saying she is staying home and she is sorry... and I am keeping her home this weekend... I am also going to a doctor's appointment with her other sister tomorrow, so i will have him write up the restrictions tomorrow, so if the fucker is still being a stupid ass he will get it fed in his face.

The Full Moon

2007-01-04T19:55:42Z

Now talk about some strange energy yesterday with the full moon......It was a Cancer moon, also... so it was affecting people's emotions and relationships etc.

Well a few things happened yesterday... and I saw a few people being affected by this moon pretty hard... alot of my friend's where in some kind of strange mood but we are not gonna go there.
I went to the river last night with my 2 older daughters... we watched the moon as it was rising and the reflection off the river. I asked for the moon and river to have shannon contact me. I havent really heard from him in a couple weeks and that drives me nuts sometimes. Well when we were at dinner last night with my uncle... he texted me, saying he missed me etc so I know everything is good and that the full moon gave him a wierd day also lol.

Well about 9pm last night (cst) my daughter fell down the steps and i ended up taking her to the ER and she had slightly fractured her foot :( and it was a very short visit in the ER... less than 2 hours i was amazed... when i would go with my client it was be atleast 3 to 4 hours or longer before he would get addmitted. So anyways... I need to get a moving or I would write more.

Its a New Year, Let Love Begin!

2007-01-03T14:32:56Z

I can't get this song out of my head, and it reminds me of what I really need to do to prepare my heart for love again.

Subway (Epilogue)~ Peter Murphy
It's like there's a straight way you know, you know
I've told you before it's as thin as ice
As thin as the razor snow
Don't freeze in the snow
Don't bake in the heat
I'll be your breath
There's a place where we can meet
Use me
Don't sleep in the subway
Don't sleep in the pouring rain

By my voice in my midnight mediation
When I wake, be my heart's floatation
Come and fill, come and fill from the overflow
Come and play, come and play me like a bird

Don't sleep in the subway
I'm needing you well - I
I feel you, you're closing down yeah
Get close, talk right through me
Get close, keep tight with me
If you fall now it could be forever
I'm telling you the line is thin now
I've told you before this hate is a sin
Empty out for the overflow
Let love begin

There's a place where we can meet

(Epilogue);

I am not what you think I am
But what you know
I'm the maker of wings
That you teach me
Teach me to sew
My wonder is Yours
As you trip to the sea
I'll be your breath
In this place where we will meet

In this place where we will meet

In this place where we will meet

It is one of my new Favorite songs right now. I have been going thru more layers within myself and knowing I need to shed some more things that i have kept trapped inside. I have realised that even as much as I have love in my heart there are still places in me that i have walled up because of the pain I have had in the past. I am trying to empty out the pain, to let down the walls... so I can actually Love and be loved. Becoming pure of hate and insecurities is the direction that I am moving in. I have put up so many walls in the last few years, Over the past month I have started to see the illusions i have created and the walls are coming down. I want to be able to really truely love again, withouth all the baggage I have collected along the way. I see more and more at times, like a closet you keep shoving stuff in and when you open the door it all falls out on you unexpectedly... This still happens from time to time with me and I know all the trials i have gone through, I have become a stronger person for this, and now I am feeling ready to shed some of the walls i have created... I know the pain and suffering of a love gone all wrong... Of a love that i gave all of myself only for that person to see all my strength and twist the love i have for them into something very ugly, for them to gain strength from me and for me to keep giving and becoming weak. I know that they did not TRUELY love me in the way I needed to be loved.
I know my true nature is loving and kind, and to see the strength in the people I know and the ones i meet... to embrace life and love fully... sometimes I have gone off my path for my own selfish desires which had led me to places that were actually painfull. From this I became a bitch to protect myself... so NO ONE could get too close to me. I have found in the past, that letting anyone get very close to me was very painfull. I know now why I am afraid of the thing i most desire. I crave to have that great love, but at the same time part of me, that has closed down because of all the pain i have suffered in the past .
Don't sleep in the subway
I'm needing you well - I
I feel you, you're closing down yeah
Get close, talk right through me
Get close, keep tight with me
If you fall now it could be forever
I'm telling you the line is thin now
I've told you before this hate is a sin
Empty out for the overflow
Let love begin
For this is a very spiritual meaning to me... sleeping in the subway.... going to sleep spiritually closing oneself off....
hate is a sin, against oneself... I am emptying out for the overflow within , So I can really let love begin again :)

Happy New Year!

2006-12-28T07:46:57Z

I am leaving in the early after noon today.... so all those i did not get to talk to.... I wish you a very happy fun exciting and most of all a healthy new year! I love you all :)

Its Christmas Day....

2006-12-26T00:11:34Z

Well its Christmas day and I have done all the family stuff and my children are now with their dad for that side of the family's party.

I have been trying to get through this time without being depressed, last night I was breaking. I am not sure if it was because I am weaning myself off the painkillers, hormones, and my whole world is doing the chaotic wave chrashing thing again. I don't like this time of the year, I know alot of other people also feel this way. BUT for my children I wanted to have a good Christmas.
I need to let go of everything, so I can feel again, when you are full of anger, anxiety, depressed, and feeling helpless, it creates a nice big negative whirlpool pulling you down. The last few days have been like that for me. I wanted to cry, but wouldnt let myself, why cry? why when all it is, is to feel sorry for myself? I know when crying to release is one thing but when you are on your pitty pot it solves nothing, and you have a horrible headache from it afterwards.
I know I have people that love me deeply and I love them just as much in return, but sometimes i still feel very lonely. Yes i am doing the circle thing again but I need to, i think in circles....What really sucks is what i MOST desire is the thing I am the most afraid of. I get a high from it as i start out, wanting to enter with complete abandon, and then when things settle down, i come off that high and start to crash, things that I normally would be able to deal with seem like an impossible chore. I wish i could trust, i wish i could love without the insecurites annoying me in my head. I really want to LOVE and be in love without that little voice in the back of my head saying doubtful things to me, scaring me and causing me to react in ways that I dont need to. I just want to love and be loved on a higher scale and the lower scale... both primal and spiritual. I want to become one with someone, and have the trust just being there, not worring if I am worthy of that person's love. With Shannon, it comes so naturally, after almost a year, he came back into my life, and I felt the same as i did, when we first met. With him everything is ok. Who I am is ok, Who he is, is ok also.... its the combining of 2 souls on levels unimaginable. He will be coming to visit me in a couple weeks, and as the time goes on, the more excited and anxious I become. I don't want to fuck things up with him, but I also have to let this happen in its own fashion... going back to letting go...because of most of my life I have had someone trying to control me in one way or another... I have gone to the opposite... I need to know what it going on at all times so i can feel in control... this is where I NEED TO LET GO.
I have made it through alot of hard times as of late. I know i am strong, I know I am NOT HELPLESS! dammit I wish I wouldn't get into the mindset that has been conditioned in me all these years.... Yes i am getting rid of this conditioning... but it takes longer to "uncondition" or recondition yourself as it did for that fucking assholes (many people) who did it to me.
OK something different but also happened today... I went for a drive to the river to cleanse, I have needed to connect with the river again... since I put the restraining order on ben... i blocked myself from the river... my sacred place.... that isnt good... so i found another sacred place, when i was a child i was in awe at.
I drove to another place along the river, i felt called there... I saw 3 eagles flying around, and I know that everything makes sense now, for that single momemt i understood, I felt whole complete and know that my path is right in front of me. I was just talking to a friend who said this about the eagle and it made me cry, for I felt the confirmation from the Great Spirit and Goddess are connecting with me now.
The Conversation:
Illumination of spirit, Healing, and creation

i am you and you are me says:
good
Doreen says:
Their energy is healing and aids in creation
Doreen says:
ok too manny pages here, the bottom line is;
Doreen says:
To align with eagle med. is to take on the responsibility and the power of becoming ...

i am you and you are me says:
I have been feeling half here... half outwandering around.... last night i did a ritual and connected with Goddess let her guide me....she told me to pay attention to my dreams.... the one thing i remember was seeing this beautiful curly blonde and we kissed it was like a kiss of an angel
i am you and you are me says:
ok
Doreen says:
Isn't that what the cards said the other day, paying attention to dreams etc.
i am you and you are me says:
yes
i am you and you are me says:
and being kissed by an angel
i am you and you are me says:
ultimate healing i see
i am you and you are me says:
unconditional love
i am you and you are me says:
If i saw this person in real life i think i would freak out
Doreen says:
...so much more than you now apear to be. From a karmic aspect, it reflects that the events will now fly faster...

i am you and you are me says:
and as Ananth said last night to soar, to fly above it all
Doreen says:
and the repercussions for everything you think, do or say (or fail to think, do, or say) positive and neg. , will be both stronger and quicker.
Doreen says:
To accept the eagle as a totem is to accept a powerful new dimention to life, and a hightened responsibility for your spiritual growth.
Doreen says:
But only through doing so do you learn how to move between worlds, touch all life with healing, and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative force within the world.
Doreen says:
Tada
i am you and you are me says:
isnt this what the cards also said
i am you and you are me says:
everything is coming together.... it makes sense, but there are no words to describe it
Doreen says:
I think the eagle sais it with much more detail
i am you and you are me says:
yes
i am you and you are me says:
i am crying again lol
Doreen says:
I was like that a few min ago
i am you and you are me says:
it makes sense... the tears are to shed the untruths
Doreen says:

i am you and you are me says:
knowing my heart has been this lesson
i am you and you are me says:
feeling worthy
i am you and you are me says:
knowing I am worthy of my gifts
i am you and you are me says:
knowing I am a being of light and the people i love feel this within themselves also
Doreen says:
This sounds like what I'VE been trying to tell you girl
i am you and you are me says:
see sometimes i MUST SEE myself
i am you and you are me says:
bonks brick on head
Doreen says:
well ya
Doreen says:
lol
Doreen says:
DO NOT BREAK YOUR HEAD. It will defeat the purpose

OK leaving it right here, I need to go for a while, maybe i will pick this up later, maybe I won't

Feeling better

2006-12-19T04:10:10Z

Well to get everything updated... Shannon got a hold of me on Friday. We got to talk somewhat this weekend, all is good... I am finally in less pain and the MRI results say that my back is fixable by the right exercises etc... so I am more happy now... getting off the harder drugs is a blessing. Last week went by in a blur and it was too much... I dont like being in a blur like that.